My [fake] family…

*UPDATED* since original posting Feb 26, 2010. 

There are moments in my adult life when I have tried to introduce friends to my “family”.  Introducing my aunts or one of my uncles was difficult. Especially when my “Grandma Poley” or “Nanny Lynn” were alive it became even more complicated when they asked whose “side of the family” are they were on.  “Hmmmmm.” I would say, “You know they adopted all of us at the same time, so I am not sure which parent they belong to!”  In some cases it was easier, as one parent to have relationships first, but typically it was hard to explain none the less.

Maybe you have had this conversation with another friend or adult. See, I grew up with a family tree that had no lines carved out for who “was” and who “was not” part of our family. I had a sister and a brother who I barely saw and hardly knew, but no one ever called them my “half-sibling” and no one mentioned it. It just wasn’t something I understood as different. They had a step-mom, I knew, but really I didn’t care why they had another mom because they were MY family.

Now, my father was blessed with the ability to work and provide for us as a family. The life style of a structural iron worker was one that relocated with the job(s). So, as I grew up, we moved many times but we always had other families who moved with us. These people, I learned later in life were not in my ACTUAL family tree but I knew they loved me, helped care for me and in a few cases we all temporarily lived together during transitions from one city to another.  These other children (some my age) all called me their cousin, and I them. Our parents respected each other as siblings and best friends, they cared for each other and loved each just like the aunts and uncles I saw at Christmas. Those families, for the most part, are all still great friends with my parents and have stuck close to each other. Many times, closer than the “real” family.

The funniest part of this community-family that I loved so much was that I was able to trust my parents enough to not even doubt that these family members who loved me all year long never went to my grandma’s house for Christmas or Thanksgiving. Although, my father’s parents did socialize with some of this community-family that I knew as my own. I have some pictures of parties and socials that included all the community-families along with their biological family.  So, in my childhood I never really thought this was strange.

As I grew into my teenage years I had many times heard the old adage, “blood is thicker than water.” This was such a conflicting thought for me, since my closest family had never shared my blood lines. I understood what it was meant to say but in so many situations my biological family did not seem to run to my rescue, or help me when I was in trouble.  Then I discovered a biblical reference to why my extended family had made so much sense to me. 

Proverbs 27:10 says, “Your own friend and your father’s friend, forsake them not; neither go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near [in spirit] than a brother who is far off [in heart].”

You see, my parents weren’t hippies and we didn’t live in a commune.  At times, my aunts or uncles helped us in needs and my parents helped them. We all built houses TOGETHER and SHARED tools, food, and supplies….but I REALLY thought EVERYONE must have done that.  When we all lived on the same street for a period in time we went to and from houses with out much care. At times when we all lived farther distances, we vacationed at each others homes.  This verse spoke to me on a deep level and it made sense to me instantly.  One of my ‘uncles’ was merely a childhood friend of my father and even when time had passed, they would still love each other like brothers, since my father never had a brother. His entire family became my family and when biological family never sent me anything for special occasions, that family did. Several of the families I grew up with even helped save my family from homelessness!  There are so many stories I could share to explain the depth of the compassion. 

I have met people who seem to have no concept of this type of friendship or compassion, especially as adults. But I am learning how to find friends who are in spirit closer than a brother/sister. It seems that in a world of misplaced trust and insecurities we hold friends at bay and don’t allow them too much access to our vulnerabilities. I often try to tell people that we like to hang on to real friendships. As I am also blending a family of children who tend to want to divide themselves up by parents and “family” sets; I find myself explaining family is more about LOVE and compassion than about blood lines and family trees.

The verse I quoted is the verse I have seen in action and I can tell you that I know God’s heart better because of those people who were merely neighbors but ran to my side in my day of calamity. While some of my biological family was just too far away and while other biological family could not seem to care enough to help.  I love my biological family just as much, because it’s easier to love them….and that’s when you realize that loving your family is easier than loving others. 

So, it makes sense that the dozen or so (just my guess) verses I can think of about how to love our neighbors are really there to teach us how to love them … LIKE FAMILY . . . . hmmmmmm.

*My dad’s best friend, was always a great fighter. He wasn’t perfect, never pretended to be and often enjoyed the humor of his own mistakes. But he did the best he could, and some would say never changed yet really he softened over the years. Last year when my dad called me and said we needed to talk, I knew some thing was wrong. My dad waited until we visited that week to tell me that one of my “Uncles” was not doing so well. My dad doesn’t like to talk about what Doctors really say, but he told me what my Uncle was telling everyone, then threw a single tear down one side of his face told me what he thought was really happening. It wasn’t just cancer, but it was all very treatable. The details of the issues or events along the way are not as important as the legacy.

You see, we all said goodbye to one of those men yesterday at a church around the corner from his house. The same house that my sister and I slept in, the house my sister “turned” on me in when paired with my cousin just for laughs. The house that saved us from homelessness. The place that my Aunt and her children and my family ate countless meals laughing, crying, yelling and mourning together. It wasn’t always pretty but it was family. We are family. As family goes, everyone doesn’t always do the same thing, we don’t all need to be twins…. it doesn’t matter, we have always loved each other. My dad and my Uncle stuck closer than brothers, I say that with all respect to my uncle’s brothers – but it was true.

My other fake “Uncle” mourns alongside my dad, and I am so grateful for him too. I can’t tell you what those two men have done for me but trust me when I say, as an adult I can’t count on both hands the amount of times I have asked those two Uncles for help, advice or to simply ask how to fix something!  Neither of them have been too busy to help me. I have borrowed ladders, trucks, trailers, their time, their talented advice and sometimes didn’t even really need it – but they offered. Funny today that my husband and I were discussing home renovation ideas and I said, “You know, I think Uncle ____ has…. ”  I never took and never take my dad, my family or my friends as convenient but the reality of how much I lean on those people is a hard pill to swallow some days.  Days like this.

 WOW.  Do you have family like that nearby and don’t even know it yet? Do you ever think about the friendship you are building and how much of an impact they can have on your children and in my case, my children now too!  Those same aunts and uncles have grandchildren that play with my children — who call them cousins too!  I pray my children don’t loose those connections, for their sakes and I pray that God sends THOSE kinds of family members to me as I learn to be that kind of friend. God Bless you in your journey.

Please comment below. Thank you.